Brilliant Plans to Rescue Dying Industries

Posted by: Steven Stone at 9:09 am, August 29th, 2010

 
 
Brilliant Plans to Rescue Dying Industries
Excerpted from Wired News Report by Lore Sjoberg
 
The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), that adorable cave man of a gigantic litigious organization, recently announced that it wants electronic devices like cell-phones and music players to be legally required to incorporate FM radio receivers, both to protect broadcasters' revenue streams and to ease the transition of anyone caught up in a time tunnel from the 1960s and brought to our era.
 
I think this is wonderful news, because I am a humor columnist. This is such a wonderfully goofy idea that I just want to hug the RIAA and ruffle its hair.
 
Obviously the important thing, in early 21st-century America, is to make sure that no fading industry is left behind. If that means bolting outdated technology to new devices and letting consumers pick up the bill, well at least we can make sure that "morning zoo" DJs are kept off the streets and out of trouble.
 
This is such a wonderful idea, in the sense of being a terrible idea, that I think other industries should come up with their own ways of making sure they never have to adapt to new technological realities, then lobby the government to enforce the life-saving mandates. If they all pull together, they can provide me with material for a dozen columns.
 
Let's start with newspapers. They've been having a lot of trouble adapting to the Internet, and there's no guarantee that iPads and Kindles and the like are going to help. Solution: Require companies to bundle a parakeet with every new tablet or e-reader device.
 
This will create a groundswell of demand for newsprint with which to line the cages of the federally mandated house pets. I strongly suggest that all the major news consortia start talking to their representatives about making this a reality.
 
Mapmakers are also seeing their profits reduced by the advent of GPS and Google Maps. It hardly seems fair that they're taking a hit from unfair business practices like coming up with better and more responsive alternatives.
 
Still, there are a lot of companies and individuals who have invested deeply in GPS devices, and we can't just cut them off. The compromise? Make it so that GPS devices can only direct you to places where you can buy maps! The Thomas Brothers get their profits back, and consumers still get to hear a slightly stilted voice tell them to turn left in 400 yards. Let's make it the law.
 
Travel agencies are another class of businesses desperately in need of shelter from the insidious advance of useful technology. Booking your own flight or hotel has become so easy that most people are willing to overlook how annoying most flight- and hotel-booking websites are. Clearly, travel agents need a little boost to make sure they continue in the proud American tradition of travel and the agency thereof.
 
How about a law saying all travel arrangements must be made within 12 hours of departure? Sure, if you want to go to a bunch of websites and make all your reservations and arrangements by hand while attempting to pack, give the cats enough food and water, and remember where you put the digital camera battery, you're welcome to - but just remember, a travel agent can make those arrangements for you in a jiffy. Get lobbying, travel agents!
 
With any luck, these proposals and more will soon make their way to Washington, providing these industries with much-needed income and me with much-needed material. I'd hate to have to lobby for the Comedy Writer Protection Act of 2011.